Here's an idea! We buy up a bunch of cars from the Big Three automakers, load them up in bombers, and drop them on our enemies in Iraq and on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border—car bombs!
The cars that aren't completely destroyed when they fall on the terrorists—they can fix up and drive. This will help promote our modern way of life—and they'll have to build roads and buy spare parts from our auto parts stores! We bail out the auto industry, kill some terrorists, and spread good old American Capitalism! Everybody wins
! (Except for the evil terrorists, of course.)
I mean, we're going to have to do something with all the cars Detroit will be making. We could condition the bailouts on
not building cars—like agriculture subsidies, where we pay the farmer not to grow their crop this year. But, the problem with this is that it doesn't help the dealerships or the industries that supply the parts and materials to make the cars. To solve the economic problem of the automakers—and all those other businesses—we have to come up with a solution where they keep making cars.
So, if we're not going to have the military buy them up and drop them out of bombers, what are we going to do with them. I guess the government could buy them and give them away to people who deserve a new car, but just can't afford to buy one. (But that sounds like a potentially serious ethical conundrum!)
I know! We can give them to veterans! Or, we can give them to people who're homeless, 'cause they defaulted on their subprime mortgages. There might be some retooling required—like making sure the seats will lie flat for sleeping. (While we're at it, we could replace the cigarette lighters with toilet paper holders.)
If none of these ideas succeeds maybe we can at least give tax credits to people for buying American-made cars. Like we did for energy efficient vehicles through the
Energy Policy Act of 2005. (Unless there's some anti-protectionism rule against helping American automakers.) Plus, we could ease the credit blockage by offering some kind of guarantee to banks making the loans to the people buying the cars.